Giving and Receiving
I give more love than I allow myself to receive. I am more generous with money than I am with allowing it to flow to me. It’s easier for me to share my creative energy with others than it is for me to allow the creative flow of others into my life.
This imbalance has been buried deep in my nervous system programming for decades.
Intense childhood trauma came with complex inner confusion about giving and receiving love, attention, and the flow of energy.
I embraced what felt like an imbalance of my needs for love and attention because maintaining the imbalance felt safer than receiving what I really needed. Because if I were to have suddenly received the depth of presence and loving awareness I truly needed, for the amount of time I needed it, all of the feelings of chaos, confusion, terror, and grief would surface. To my young nervous system, that felt like facing death.
I remained “safe” by creating a sophisticated web of inner protections and limits to only let a certain amount in. It felt right for me to always be giving more than I was getting. In my adulthood, this pattern connected to unconsciously limiting how much money I allowed myself to receive.
It’s taken years of intentional healing to consciously sense and touch the deeper layers of this core wound contract with life, to let it be loved, and to begin allowing more balance in my giving and receiving.
As I’m writing this, I feel some shame and grief about letting you know that, at 48, I don’t feel financially successful. I never have. The shame presses up against a profoundly beautiful aspect of my father-heart that wants to provide more for those I love.
Gratitude is also here – that over the last several years I’ve been able to experience a balance of giving and receiving in my marriage, and that this new template now has more space in me to expand into the rest of my life.
How does all of this land in you? Do you know any of these places, patterns, or unconscious contracts?
I’m opening the doors of my heart, body, mind, and soul wide to receive more of the love, energy, and money that wants to come to me. Let it flow, life. I’ve got some dreams to fulfill.
